Miss you baby boy

Its so hard for me to watch the other baby's that were born around you, grow and get bigger and do things. I just want to see you. I want to see all your big smiles that you gave us.
Im greatful that you were so happy, I was thinking the other day, how could you not be miserable. Life was shitty for you. I dont know how you could not have been in constant pain. Your poor little butt was always raw, your stomach was always so big. But you never seemed to care. We could do almost anything to you and your were content.
You loved it when we would take you for rides in your wagon or stoller. You loved playing with your brother. You were such a sweet boy, I wish I could see you. I love and miss you.

Wish I could just run away.

There are days when I just wish that I could run away from life and come and join you. Life is so hard right now. I feel like No matter what I do its never right. All I hear from you dad is that at so bad, I cant ever do anything right, that im so horrible and its starting to take a tole on me.

Today I made a comment when I got of the phone, and he got all mad at me and took a large package of wood flooring and slammed it into me almost knocking me over.
Then told me it was my fault because im so stupid.

Why can't life just be easy for once in my life??

Today is your first Birthday

But you are not here to celebrate with us. I wish things were differnt, I wish God had not taken you so soon from us. But he did, so we must make the best of it. We have alittle cake for you, and a card for you. We will go back to the hospital that you were born at and tell the nurses thank you for taking care of you. We will give them the dvd from all of your memorial services. We will also got to your second hospital and tell them thank you for taking care of you and give them some of the dvds also.
We are going to light your memorial candle for you, and let a ballon for up to you in heaven. Hope you get it and read the letter that we sent you.

I love and miss you and cant wait to see you again some day.

Love mom

Days go by.

The days go by, some fast, some slow. Its hard to watch the other babys that were born just a month before you and a month after you thrive and do so well. They were supposed to be your little friends. But God had other plans.

Each day I watch over your roommate from the nicu and and think why is this not you.
Its almost your birthday, we have no big plans. I think we are going to have a little cake for you and light your remembrance candle, and let one balloon go in the sky for you.
Its so hard to explain to your brother why he cant see you. We go anywhere near the hospital and he starts crying, he starts asking why he cant see you. We tell him that you are not there and he just does not understand. I told him the other day that it was going to be a long tiem untill we saw you and get said lets go to the dr he is there. I told him no that you were gone and he said to heaven and I said yes. Riley said he wanted to go see you there and I told him not yet. He asked why and i said that you had died and that was the only way to get to see you. And he said no MOM Ethan is not dead he is at the drs.
We went to a service for all the children that have passed away this year at the childrens hospital. That was nice. I figured Riley would got upset seeeing as he was there when you passed away. But it did not seem to brother him.
Thats why I find it so weird, he gets so upset when we go by the old hospital, but does not care about the one you died in.

Please look after baby claeb for us, dont take him so soon, his mommy and daddy just got him. Please help him to grow strong so he can go home.

Last weekend we went to your uncles wedding it was so nice. Im sorry that you were not there to go with us. But as we told him when he first brought it up. We will be there no matter what, with Ethan or he will no longer by with us. Well we got our answer.

I guess your no longer going to be the baby in the family. There is going to be a new grand baby. Please let this one be well. I dont think the family can handle another sick child right now.

I think each day about your smiling face. You would smile at anyone. One day dr thone walked in and told you what a big boy you were and you started bawling. it was so funny. He told you he was sorry and you gave him a big smile. Another day he came into the room and told you he was going to cook you a steak and you laughed at him.

There were many great people who looked after you in your life. I want to thank each and everyone of them for trying to make your life better.

Ok I think i have rambled enought tongiht.
Love you mom

Missing you

I miss you tonight more then ever, I wish that you were at home with us, in a more real way then you are now. I sit and look at your ashes and think what would you be doing right now if you were alive. In just a few short days you would be going to your uncles wedding. You would get to see all of the family some of them for the first time.

Its almost what would be your first birthday, god why did you have to be taken from us so soon, I miss you so much. I wish each and everyday that I had had more time to spend with you and not so selfishly spending time with everyone else. I wish i could turn back time and have sent you to seattle sooner maybe they could have helped you more.

On Sunday I will go to another memorial service for you, at the hospital where you left us. Thats going to be so hard to walk in there and know thats the last place i ever got to hold you, that I wont hold you again untill we meet again in heaven. I wish that had been able to sepend more time with you once you had pasted, I feel like everyone rushed me away from you. It was important for me to spend alittle more time with you, even if you were not really there with me. Even it it was just with your lifeless body. Those last few minutes we held you, you looked nothing like yourself, almost the size of Riley, you were still so beautifl to me.

It was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do was leave you in that room all by yourlself, there was nothing more anyone could do for you, god had chosen it was your time to go. But im my mind it was to soon, You never got to experiance life outside the hospital, you never got to do anyhting except be a sick child.

You will never get you first kiss, never play ball with your dad or your brother.. never get to go to prom or on a date.. drive a car, get married or have children. Im so sorry that you never got to experience thses things.

I love you always and forever
Mom

Mothers day

Well today was my first mothers day with out Ethan, he never even got to spend a mothers day with me. But We went out to dinner with family , which did not leave time to think about you. But know that you are always in the back of my mind, there is not really a time that I am not thinking about you, wondering what you would have been doing at this time. Wish you were here with us but we cant change how the cards fell. I love and miss you and can't wait to see you one day.

Missing you mom

I miss you so much Ethan

I just want to thank all of the readers of this blog for all of your support.
I want to thank God for giving me 2 sweet boys to love.
I don't understand why God gave us Ethan and then took him away so soon, but that may be something we never know.
I sad that we had such a short time with Ethan, but on the other hand Im glad it was not to long for him. That he does not have to go threw all the pain and the suffering anymore. He might not have know that he was suffering but I think he was. I long for the day when I get to see you again up in heaven, But know that to see you I will have to leave Riley here, which i don't want to do just yet.
I don't understand how you went from laughing and playing

To this in just over a day

I love you and miss you so much, Im so glad we got to do all the things we did with you. We got to feed you lots of crazy food you should not give a baby, we got to take you on a few stroller rides around the hospital, you got to see a dog, you got to see one of your great grandmothers.

Your first birthday will be coming up in a few months and It will be hard, but mom and dad and brother will go and do something nice to honor you.

As the days go by the pain seems to get a little less but then all at once it comes back like the day you left us. I just can't stop think why were we so selfish to not spend more time with you, when we had so little time with you as it was. Why did we not try harder to get you home, there are so many why and what ifs.

Please forgive me for being selfish and wanting to hold you, but by holding you I gave you no chance to fight, by holding you we gave up on you. Im sorry son, I love you so much, and wish we could have you back.
love mom